Inside: Discover the most effective phrase to use when stepping in during kids’ fights or any everyday family conflict.
Table of Contents
Right now, emotions might be running high in your family, just as they are in mine.
“Stop it!”
“Mom, she said she hated me!”
“Well, I never want to play with you again anyway!”
And all that happened in just 30 seconds on the other side of the bathroom door during a fight between the kids.
With everyone at home constantly, stress levels are through the roof, making it hard for both kids and adults to stay calm and communicate well. We know that when emotions rise, our ability to reason decreases. This happens because when the brain’s emotion center (the amygdala) takes over, the thinking center (the prefrontal cortex) struggles to function. (Think about when you’re really nervous, and your mind just goes blank.)
Kids are not immune to the stress piling up around us now. With unpredictability everywhere and the loss of usual routines and structures, things that help kids feel secure, sibling fights have become more frequent in many families.
I want to share a magical phrase that has really helped me during this time at home with my kids and family.
If you’re raising a strong-willed, emotionally intense child, I’ve created a free guide just for you.
When children are fighting (or anytime two people need to communicate well), there’s a key tactic I learned in family therapy that works wonders.
This approach is effective because, unlike many conflict resolution attempts, it avoids blame and criticism, which only make the other person defensive. Instead, it clearly communicates what the individual needs, a crucial aspect of resolving conflicts that’s often overlooked.
Ultimately, it’s a fantastic way to help your child develop self-awareness, emotional intelligence, problem-solving, and communication skills that will enhance their future relationships.
So, what’s this amazingly powerful strategy for when kids are fighting? It involves using “I statements,” starting your phrase with “I” instead of “You.” But there’s more to it.
There’s a particular “I statement” phrase you can use in almost any situation where tension is rising due to sibling fights or family conflicts.
Addressing sibling conflict can feel overwhelming for parents, often leading to either avoiding the fights entirely or stepping in to handle and negotiate the conflict for them. Neither approach really helps children learn the critical conflict resolution and communication skills needed to get along with others.
The effectiveness of an “I statement” is impressive. It clarifies communication, avoiding arguments, insults, and negativity, plus it’s easy to remember.
By making this phrase a habit, your brain will store it as the handy tool it is, ready to de-escalate sibling conflicts whenever they arise.
The phrase stands out because it begins with “I feel,” keeping the focus on the speaker rather than accusing the sibling. It also explains the emotion’s cause and the underlying need or boundary.
Your new go-to sentence:
“I feel ________ when ________ and I need you to please _________.”
Pretty amazing, right?! Here are some examples:
“I feel overwhelmed when you talk to me while I’m doing my homework, and I need you to give me 10 minutes.”
“I feel angry when you call me stupid, and I need you to not call me names.”
“I feel left out when you play with Sam more than me, and I need some playtime with you too.”
It’s virtually impossible to react negatively when someone genuinely communicates their own feelings and experiences. This magic phrase for kids fighting—or anyone in distress—reduces defensiveness and reactivity while giving the other child the necessary information to respond positively. (Talk about solving two problems with one solution!)
Related Resource: Sibling Solutions Masterclass (all the tools you need to help shift your kids from fighting… to FRIENDSHIP).
We often tell kids what not to do, forgetting they need instruction on what they should do instead.
Using this phrase when tensions rise can work wonders in resolving family and sibling conflicts.
With practice, you’ll soon be able to use this phrase effortlessly, and even better, in time, your kids will start using it on their own without prompting!
Now go enjoy a calmer home!
Explore more parenting insights:
– 10 Insights of Remarkable Parents (from a family therapist)
– 75 Calming Techniques for Kids That Work (Printable)
– Positive Parenting Isn’t Working? Here are 7 Eye-Opening Reasons Why
– 5 Ways to Raise Good Listeners (Without Yelling or Negativity)
