Welcome! Discover why many parents of strong-willed children feel like they’re struggling, when in fact, they’re on a unique and rewarding parenting journey.
**Table of Contents**
Feeling inadequate as a parent is common, especially when raising a strong-willed child. You might find that your child listens selectively, like only on the third Friday of each month, and even then, they could throw a tantrum because you didn’t buy them a $12 rubber snake at the zoo. Managing a determined, independent child who experiences intense emotions is no easy task.
As a parent who has raised two strong-willed kids and spoken with countless others in my roles as a Child Therapist and Parent Coach, I’ve learned that there’s an added challenge that makes everyday struggles even harder: the feeling of being a bad parent. You might wonder why your child doesn’t listen, struggles with emotions, and seems to engage in power struggles as if it’s their part-time job.
When we don’t have answers, our brains tend to invent them, often placing the blame on ourselves. However, you might be surprised to learn that your child’s strong will is influenced by many factors rooted in developmental science, such as infant temperament and parent-child attachment styles. Traits like activity level, adaptability, and emotional intensity are biologically established long before environmental factors come into play.
Rest assured, having a strong-willed child isn’t a sign of poor parenting. In fact, it could be a sign of excellent parenting (and an awesome kid). Here’s why.
Beyond your own self-doubt, you’re also acutely aware of how others might view your response to your child’s defiance, whether at the park or a school concert. Well-meaning family and friends might suggest you need to be stricter, adding emotional weight to an already heavy load. You’re learning to ignore these judgments and focus on strategies that work for your child instead of trying to please onlookers.
Your expectations of parenting have been constantly challenged by your strong-willed child since they were three. You’ve probably done more research, read more books, and tried more parenting techniques than most parents. You’ve realized that fighting against your child’s nature doesn’t work, so you’re trying to guide their determination in a positive way.
The other moms at school drop-off have become your allies. Your clever and outspoken child talks about their Christmas wishes before breakfast, questions your breakfast choices, and wonders why they have to go to school again. Making it to school on time feels like a victory worth celebrating, even if it drains your energy for the day.
You’ve worked hard to set boundaries while understanding that kids have their own personalities. You’ve learned that no amount of timeouts can truly control another person’s behavior, and it wouldn’t be healthy if it could. Discover more about the benefits of “time-in” with your strong-willed child.
You understand now that your child is their own person with a unique path. This realization is freeing and exciting. You’re learning to lead with strength, not dictate, while accepting your child as they are. This mindset is key for parenting an emotionally intense child.
Your strong-willed child won’t hesitate to call out hypocrisy. They’re sharp, observant, and always watching. The old “do as I say, not as I do” approach doesn’t work. It’s logical that you need to model the qualities you expect in your child, and you’re growing alongside them.
You are a strong parent, albeit sometimes a tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed one. You’re raising a child who feels deeply, believes passionately, and lives vibrantly. My advice from 10 years of parenting strong-willed kids is to love them for who they are, teach them to use their amazing spirit for good, and extend grace to everyone involved.
