Inside this guide, discover why many parents raising a strong-willed child often feel like they’re struggling, when in reality, they’re on a unique and rewarding parenting journey.
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Raising a strong-willed child can make both new and seasoned parents feel inadequate. Picture this: your child only listens on the third Friday of the month, and even then, they might throw a tantrum at the zoo because you didn’t buy them an overpriced toy snake. It’s challenging to parent a determined, independent child who seems to experience every emotion at once.
As someone who has raised two strong-willed children and spoken with countless parents in my roles as a Child Therapist and Parent Coach, I understand the extra struggles you might face. These challenges can make everyday situations with your spirited child feel much more difficult.
You may feel like a bad parent. After all, what else could explain why your child often doesn’t listen, struggles with emotions, and engages in power struggles like it’s their favorite hobby? When we’re uncertain about something, our brains tend to fill in the blanks, and as a parent, you might first blame yourself for your child’s puzzling behaviors.
But you’d be surprised to learn that there are many reasons your child is strong-willed, stemming from developmental science on infant temperament and parent-child attachment styles. Research has shown that many temperament traits, like activity level, adaptability, and emotional intensity, are biologically set long before the environment has any influence.
I assure you, having a strong-willed child isn’t a sign of poor parenting. It might even indicate you’re doing a great job and raising an amazing kid. Here are a few reasons why.
Despite feeling unsure about your parenting at times, you’re also acutely aware of how others perceive your approach when dealing with your child’s defiance in public places like the park or school events. Well-meaning family and friends might suggest that you need to be stricter, adding to the emotional exhaustion of handling others’ judgments while trying your best. But you’re learning to tune out this noise and focus on what’s best for your unique child.
The vision you had for parenting might have been upended by your strong-willed child, who keeps you on your toes every day. You’ve probably read more, researched more, and tried more parenting strategies than most. You’re learning that fighting your child isn’t effective, and you’re teaching them to use their determination in respectful ways.
Your child challenges you with endless questions about Christmas gifts before dawn and debates breakfast choices, utensil colors, and school attendance. Yet, getting them to school on time is now recognized as the victory it truly is.
You’ve worked hard to set boundaries and teach right from wrong, realizing that children have their own minds and personalities. You’ve learned that no amount of timeouts can control another person, nor should they.
(Learn more about the benefits of ‘time-in’ with a strong-willed child.)
Your child is their own person, and acknowledging this is both liberating and exciting. As you become a guiding leader rather than a dictator, embracing your child’s nature is the best approach for parenting an emotional, strong-willed child.
Your child mirrors your actions and challenges any hypocrisy swiftly; ‘do as I say, not as I do’ is ineffective here. It’s only logical that you exemplify the traits you wish to see in your child, and sometimes, you find yourself growing right alongside them.
This makes you a strong parent. A tired parent. A frustrated parent. And often, an overwhelmed parent.
You’re the parent of a child who feels deeply, believes strongly, and lives fully. After a decade of raising strong-willed kids, my best advice? Love them for who they are, not what they do. Teach them to channel their spirited nature positively, and grant everyone involved a generous amount of grace during the journey.
