Inside: A child therapist’s complete guide to explaining your divorce to your child and supporting them through this challenging time.
Table of Contents
Divorce comes with its own pain for the couple involved, and when children are part of the family, the heartbreak extends to explaining a life-altering change to them.
Couples often visit my office looking for advice on how to break the news of a divorce to their children. It’s clear how much this weighs on them, as they often delay or avoid this difficult conversation. Truthfully, there is no perfect time to tell a child their family life is undergoing a major change.
However, there are many ways to help ease this stress for both parents and children. Being thoughtful about how you communicate this significant change can greatly influence your child’s ability to cope both now and in the future.
Here are five key tips to keep in mind when telling your child about your divorce:
1. Emotional and logistical preparation by parents can make the conversation more positive. Reflect on your own feelings ahead of time so you can focus on your child’s needs without letting your anxiety seep in.
2. Studies indicate that children remember the “divorce talk” for decades, so planning the setting to minimize pain and trauma is crucial. Choose a time when you’re available for follow-up support, such as a weekend, and aim to have both parents present for a united front. Set aside personal conflicts with your partner to present the discussion as a team effort.
3. Using the metaphor of the family as a team can be effective: “Even though there will be changes, our family is always on the same team and we will get through this together.”
4. Provide comfort through familiar objects like favorite toys or drawing materials. This can give children a sense of security and help them express their emotions through play or art.
5. Use a social story to explain the basics of the divorce, changes, and what will remain the same. Books about divorce can also offer children a way to process their feelings safely and help adults find the right words for discussions.
Children of different ages will process the news differently. For preschoolers, it’s important to maintain a calm and confident demeanor. They pick up on your emotional state and need reassurance. Clearly explain any major changes in their life, focusing on how their basic needs will still be met.
Elementary-age kids often view the world from their own perspective and might feel responsible for the divorce unless told otherwise. Explain that the decision to separate was solely an adult decision and explicitly assure them it’s not their fault. Address their immediate concerns and provide a straightforward explanation like, “We’ve tried to fix our problems, but living apart is what’s best for our family.”
For pre-teens and teens, offer more detail without assigning blame or delving into personal issues. Balance transparency with maintaining appropriate boundaries.
No matter their age, continuously remind your child that the love between parent and child remains unchanged— “While things between parents might change, our love for you never will.”
Encourage your child to express any feelings they have about the divorce. They have little control over the situation and need to know their emotions are valid and normal. Allow them space to feel their pain without trying to fix or minimize it.
Pause during the conversation to check if your child has questions, and assure them it’s okay to feel how they do. Stay present with them and resist the urge to gloss over their emotions.
Make sure your child knows they can always come to you to talk about the family changes and their feelings. While these discussions are tough to initiate, avoiding them may lead to more issues later on. Take the lead in starting these conversations and regularly check in with your child afterward: “How are you handling all the changes we discussed?”
Every year, over a million children are affected by their parents’ divorce. While research highlights many challenges kids face in adjusting, there’s plenty of opportunity for improvement. By looking after their own emotional wellbeing, parents can be truly present and supportive for their child during this transition. Being proactive and creating a loving environment when discussing divorce sets a lasting example of how families can navigate difficult times.
