The issue of the “elephant in the room” in the world of parenting is something I’m no longer willing to ignore or leave unchallenged.
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Every day, a common misconception leaves well-meaning parents and their children feeling frustrated and hopeless. It’s ironic that often, it’s the most dedicated parents who struggle the most to achieve the desired results with their children, prompting them to seek support.
These parents come into my therapy sessions after tirelessly attempting various strategies to reduce backtalk, arguments, and negativity at home. They’ve heard about the importance of consistency, so they enforce timeouts with their screaming toddlers. They’ve learned the need for connection, making time to play and listen more than they talk. They’ve researched behavioral consequences, diligently using sticker charts and setting clear consequences for their child’s actions.
In their desperation for compliance and cooperation, some have even resorted to outdated methods, like spanking or asserting dominance, despite knowing these don’t feel right and never truly help.
Many harmful discipline methods we fall back on are based on misconceptions. These myths suggest that being a good parent requires fear and control, and a good child must always adhere without question. We were led to believe that children who resist these methods are “bad.”
We label kids who don’t immediately obey as disrespectful. We see kids who assert themselves as defiant, those who talk back as manipulative, and those who express strong emotions as unruly. Adults have been conditioned to view these behaviors as wrong and in need of correction.
Some children naturally adapt to fit these behavioral expectations. A few stern warnings, and they align with adult expectations, often abandoning their own thoughts and feelings. Fear can be a powerful, though not healthy, tool for shaping behavior.
However, not all kids are easily molded this way. About 15% of parents discover that some children are naturally inclined to speak up and stand their ground. These parents often find themselves trapped, striving towards an unrealistic ideal of a “good child,” resorting to threats and punishments, contrary to what research shows about natural child development.
This often leads to an escalating cycle:
1. The child stands firm and refuses to back down.
2. The parent insists they must “win” and assert control.
3. Both dig in, resulting in a battle of wills filled with yelling and chaos.
Such dynamics can become a regular part of family life, leaving everyone feeling exhausted and guilty. Families often see conflict as a necessity, but in battles between parent and child, both sides ultimately lose.
Attempts to force compliance might yield short-term victories, but at the cost of long-term trust and connection. Parents risk losing their child’s trust, self-confidence, opportunities for teaching, respect, and emotional openness.
The greatest loss is the sacred parent-child relationship itself. It’s a tough situation for parents—I know because I’ve been there. Repeatedly trying the same approaches with my spirited daughter, achieving only temporary success followed by a strained relationship and ineffective teaching.
Why is it kept a secret that about 15% of kids have strong-willed temperaments? Why aren’t parents informed that these traits are biological and can be valuable? Why aren’t schools and healthcare systems trained in modern, research-backed strategies that align with how children’s brains work?
The notion that one parenting style suits all children is misleading. Believing your child’s essential nature is “bad” prevents effective engagement and teaching.
Here’s what I’ve learned after 15 years of working with strong and sensitive children, and raising two of them myself:
Every child is a gift, here for a reason. Parenthood is a one-time opportunity, and a one-size-fits-all approach won’t work for spirited kids.
A different journey awaits you and your spirited child—one filled with connection and joy. It begins with acceptance—embracing your child as they are.
In this moment, you can choose to:
– Celebrate your child’s unique traits and nurture them.
– See the strength in their strong-willed behavior.
– Abandon unproductive strategies and mindsets.
– Prioritize relationship and connection over control.
– Explore respectful, collaborative, science-aligned paths of discipline and teaching.
Decide now to choose this path.
Looking for guidance on how to journey with your strong-willed child? Click here to download a 7-page guide I created to help nurture cooperation and connection with your child.
Other articles you might find helpful:
– 75 Effective Calm Down Strategies for Kids
– Understanding Strong-Willed Child Characteristics
– Help for Parenting an Angry Child
– How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child
– Supporting a Child in Dealing with Anger
Remember, it’s not “bad parenting”—you’re raising a strong-willed child.
