If you’re raising a child who often gets angry, understanding the root causes behind their anger is the first step in managing it. Although it might be challenging to figure out the exact reason for every outburst, there are several common factors that might make it difficult for a child to control their frustration and irritability.
As a parent, dealing with a child’s anger can feel overwhelming. Sometimes, their anger seems to appear out of nowhere, and no matter what you try, nothing seems to help. Kids can become explosive when they struggle with frustration, as they haven’t yet learned healthy ways to express their emotions. Other times, there might be deeper reasons why your child seems consistently angry.
Anger can be deceiving. During my own childhood, the anger of others made me feel inadequate. As a teenager, my anger gave me a false sense of strength, and as a parent, it gave me a feeling of control amid chaos. I’ve realized that these feelings were illusions, masking underlying hurt, pain, and helplessness. I only understood this truth when I faced anger head-on, both as a mental health professional and as the parent of an angry child.
Anger is more than what it appears on the surface. Don’t be misled by your child’s anger; it’s their way of protecting themselves. When your child seems the angriest and says hurtful things, it’s often when they feel the most vulnerable.
Anger isn’t inherently wrong or bad; it’s a survival instinct. An angry child is simply trying to cope in the best way they know how at the moment. Although we often react hastily to a child’s angry behavior, missing the underlying issues, understanding and addressing these can lead to healthier ways of managing anger.
Getting curious about what lies beneath your child’s anger is the first step in helping them manage these feelings better. While it’s not always possible to pinpoint the exact cause of every outburst, common reasons can explain why your child struggles with anger in daily life.
You might have heard of physical “growing pains,” but emotional growing pains are a real part of your child’s development, too. Various stages of growth involve significant brain changes, sometimes causing difficulties in self-control and emotional regulation.
Parents may not realize that anxiety in children often resembles anger. A child’s anxious brain can feel overwhelmed, leading to increased anger. Today’s world keeps children busy, leaving less time for self-directed play, which is crucial for developing a sense of control and power.
Anger can be a way for kids to express underlying feelings of powerlessness. A child’s natural desire for a close connection with caregivers is essential. Without it, anger might be a quick way to communicate unmet needs to adults.
Changes and losses, both big and small, can also stir up anger in children. Transitions, such as starting school, can disrupt a child’s routine, creating emotional upheaval. In times of grief or loss, heightened emotions can overpower a child’s ability to think through angry impulses.
Some children are born with conditions that affect their emotional processing and management, like ADHD and Autism. These conditions can make emotional regulation more challenging.
About half of a child’s personality is innate, and some kids are naturally more intense or sensitive. Such children experience their emotions more deeply, making it harder to manage them.
Modeling healthy behavior is a powerful teaching tool. If anger leads to controlling behaviors in adults at home, children might adopt similar coping methods.
Physical factors like low blood sugar and lack of sleep can also impact your child’s ability to manage anger. Their mental health is closely tied to their physical well-being.
Undiagnosed learning issues can manifest as frustration and anger, especially when a child’s abilities don’t align with expectations. This mismatch can lead to ongoing stress and irritability.
Though anger is a natural emotion, frequent and intense anger can be stressful for both the child and their family. Exploring the underlying causes of your child’s anger can lead to a healthier relationship with these feelings.
Recognize that anger can trick you into feeling out of control as a parent. But by better understanding anger’s purpose—to help your child navigate challenging situations—you can take charge and set the stage for a healthy relationship with it.
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If your child’s anger is frequent and causing stress at school, with friends, or at home, consider having them evaluated by a mental health professional. Therapy can provide clarity and support, offering lifelong skills for managing emotions.
For more tips on finding a therapist and to learn about emotional health, subscribe to our newsletter. Your journey with your child can be one of understanding and growth.
This article was originally published on May 20, 2019, and has been updated.
