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Navigating the complex emotions of grief is challenging for anyone, especially for adults. So, how can we effectively support children when they face such an overwhelming experience?
If you’re feeling uncertain about how to help your child through a tough period, you’re certainly not alone. This is a challenging situation for any parent, and it’s commendable that you’re seeking ways to best support your child during this difficult time.
Traditionally, grief has been seen as a series of stages, but we now understand it’s a much more complex process. In fact, grief might be one of the most intricate experiences humans encounter.
When a child experiences the loss of someone or something they love, they grieve in their own unique way and at their own pace. Unfortunately, there aren’t universal guidelines for grieving. Each child’s process is as unique as the relationship they had with what or who was lost.
While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to how your child will experience grief, many evidence-based practices can help support them through this intricate journey.
The most important thing you can do is give your child space to grieve. For them to move forward in a healthy way, they need to process the complex emotions that come with loss.
If these emotions are not released, your child could face physical and emotional challenges, such as anxiety, depression, and even a weakened immune system.
Research by neuroscientist Dr. Dan Siegel reveals that a child’s brain functions best when its different parts work together. When the emotional center (right brain) is overwhelmed, the logical part (left brain) struggles to work at full capacity.
What does this mean? It’s essential to let children feel their emotions. It’s natural and healthy for children to express difficult feelings like sadness or anger. We must not unintentionally minimize or distract from these situations.
This goes hand in hand with giving space for emotions. As parents, we experience strong emotions when our children do. It breaks our hearts to see our kids in pain, often leading us to curtail their emotional expressions with phrases like “Don’t cry” or “Why don’t you smile?”
By tuning into our own emotions, we can take care of ourselves and be fully present for our children when they need help with difficult emotions. Demonstrating healthy ways to cope with our feelings serves as a powerful lesson for them.
So, how can we encourage our children to express their emotions? Many kids struggle to have direct conversations about their feelings; the skill and brain development needed for this often come later, during the teen years.
Luckily, there are many ways parents can help children navigate complex emotions following a loss, such as through journaling, art, music, and books. These forms of expression align with play, a child’s natural way of communicating. These resources also provide helpful language to articulate thoughts and feelings.
I’m often surprised at how limited children’s emotional vocabulary can be. When asked about their feelings, responses are often limited to words like “good” or “bad,” neither of which are true emotions.
Providing a feelings vocabulary sheet can help your child specify what they’re experiencing, as many emotions can occur simultaneously. The more vocabulary they have, the more appropriately they can express themselves (an emotion flashcard set can be a great start).
If your child is struggling, bringing in support from a counselor can significantly aid their healing process. Studies show that outside support, like individual or family therapy, greatly improves a child’s long-term recovery. Some children might feel more comfortable opening up to a third party, so consider finding a mental health professional who specializes in working with children.
Grieving children often feel misunderstood and alone. They might question whether their intense emotions are normal and hesitate to share them. This hesitation is compounded when adults avoid discussing the loss, fearing they’ll stir discomfort—feelings that are already present.
It’s crucial for parents to listen more than they speak, validate their child’s feelings, and show through their actions that all emotions are normal and healthy. Children who feel understood and are allowed to express their grief uniquely are more likely to adjust and cope better over time.
A child’s reaction to grief might be puzzling or frustrating. Often, their behavior is how they express emotions that they can’t verbalize. Their responses will likely change as they continue to process and resolve complex feelings throughout different life stages.
Guiding your child through loss and grief is a task no parent wishes for. However, avoiding this guidance due to our own discomfort can harm your child.
In a life filled with love, loss is unavoidable. Through your support and gentle guidance, your child can develop healthy coping skills that will serve them well in future challenges.
