Many parents unintentionally hinder their children’s social and emotional development through everyday actions.
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My 8-year-old sat quietly in the back seat until we reached our driveway. Suddenly, she opened up.
“I had the worst day, Mom. We were passing around a puppet in class, and Lucy wouldn’t give it to me even though the teacher repeatedly told her to. When I finally asked her, she whispered that she’d never invite me to her birthday party.”
Tears filled her eyes, and my heart broke for my sensitive girl.
In moments like these, I wish I had a handy guide to positive parenting. Despite knowing that children need to experience and navigate life’s challenges on their own, our instincts scream, “Protect them! Protect them!”
We’re wired with protective instincts, but when does protecting our kids become a hindrance to their growth?
This is one of the many nuances of parenting, and it starts with understanding our own emotions and reactions when our child is upset.
I didn’t handle it well that day in the garage. I blurted out, “Why would you want to go to the birthday party of someone who treats you like that?”
Oops. As soon as I said it, I realized my mistake. I was upset because she was upset. I was worried she might become friends with ‘mean kids’ or even become one herself. As parents, we have a lot of fears under the surface.
Our protective instincts are so strong that they can make us feel fully responsible for fixing our child’s problems. When our unresolved emotions mix with our desire to help, we can inadvertently block their emotional development and their chance to build resilience.
Reflecting is tough, but here are six common scenarios many well-meaning parents encounter.
1. You want your child to be athletic and popular, so you push them to start basketball early. This can lead to exhaustion for them and frustration for you, not to mention missing family dinners. If it adds more stress than joy, it’s likely not in your child’s best interest.
2. You believe school is crucial for future success, so you take over their schoolwork. This communicates that they’re not capable and teaches them learned helplessness. They might think, “Why try when Mom will do it for me?”
3. Armed with knowledge on positive communication, you give your daughter detailed advice for dealing with a classmate teasing her. This robs her of learning how to handle social conflicts on her own. Instead, listen and ask her what she wants to do.
4. You want things done the “right” way, so you lecture your son when he forgets his homework. He’s already embarrassed, which is a natural consequence. Criticism only adds anxiety and might make him self-critical.
5. You decide everything for your child, thinking you know best. But allowing them to make choices, like picking ballet over karate, builds confidence. Letting them choose increases their dedication.
6. You want to shield your child from disappointment and pain. While you should protect them from big dangers, experiencing small failures builds resilience. Life’s tough lessons teach important skills for facing challenges.
Finding the balance between supporting your child and allowing them to grow can be difficult.
After calming down, I said to my daughter, “I’m sorry your day was tough. I know you can decide which birthdays you want to go to. How can I help?”
Supporting our kids’ social and emotional skills starts with accepting that we don’t control their future. We are their guides, and if we let them forge their own paths, they will thrive. Life has its way of teaching essential lessons if we step back.
Equip your child with the skills for life.
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Check out other articles you might enjoy: This article also appeared on Scary Mommy.
