**Inside: A Child Therapist’s Guide to Supporting Your Child Through Divorce**
**Table of Contents**
Divorce can be profoundly heartbreaking for couples, and when children are involved, it adds the heartbreaking challenge of breaking their hearts, too. Couples often visit my office seeking advice on how to inform their children about the divorce, a conversation they’ve likely delayed because there never seems to be a good time to shatter a child’s perception of their family life.
Parents often feel relief when they learn that there are effective ways to minimize stress for both themselves and their children when sharing the news of a separation. How we communicate this life-altering change can significantly influence a child’s ability to cope both now and in the future.
Here are five crucial tips to consider when telling your child about your divorce:
1. **Prepare Emotionally and Logistically:**
The more prepared you are emotionally and logistically, the more positive the conversation will be. This is a heavy burden to place on children, and parents need time to reflect on their own emotions to avoid transferring their anxiety during this important discussion.
2. **Choose the Right Time and Setting:**
Research shows that children remember the details of the “divorce talk” even two decades later, so it’s important to plan a setting that minimizes pain and trauma. Consider discussing it over a weekend when you’re available before and after the conversation. Having both parents present creates a supportive environment where children can see a united front.
3. **Communicate as a United Team:**
During this conversation, it’s essential to set aside personal conflicts or tensions and focus entirely on your child. Discuss changes using “we” and “us.” A helpful metaphor could be describing the family as a team: “Even though there will be changes, our family is always on the same team and we will get through this together.”
4. **Utilize Play and Comfort Items:**
To help manage anxiety or unease, keep engaging items like “fidgets” on hand, allowing kids to stay focused. Encourage younger children to bring a favorite toy or stuffed animal for comfort. Providing crayons and paper can also help, allowing children to express their feelings through art.
5. **Be Clear, Honest, and Supportive:**
Tailor the conversation to your child’s age and developmental level, ensuring that you’re clear and direct. Preschoolers need reassurance of their safety and clear explanations about changes in daily life. Elementary-age kids may assume blame, so it’s important to clarify the separation is an adult decision and not their fault. Pre-teens and teens might understand more details, but it’s important to maintain boundaries and avoid blame.
Reassure children of your unwavering love, saying, “While the relationship between moms and dads can change, my love for you will never change.” Allow them to express their strong emotions, acknowledging their feelings as normal and valid.
Take pauses during the discussion to check for your child’s reactions and questions, reinforcing the idea that they can always talk to you about their feelings regarding the changes.
It’s crucial for parents to take the initiative in these conversations, checking in with their children regularly and asking, “How have you been handling all the changes we discussed?”
Each year, over a million children are affected by their parents’ divorce. While existing research may be disheartening, there are plenty of opportunities for parents to support their children positively through this transition. By taking care of themselves emotionally and creating a loving atmosphere for communication, parents can model resilience and teach their children valuable lessons in overcoming challenges.
