Learn how to manage discipline and interact with a strong-willed child in a way that leverages their strengths, leading to better listening and cooperation.
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Around my daughter’s third birthday, it became obvious that we were struggling. We had unrealistic expectations that she would always listen, and our frustration led to harsh discipline, leaving us feeling stuck with our determined little girl.
This wasn’t how I imagined it would be—I have a degree in Child Psychology and am a licensed Child Therapist. I thought I knew how to handle kids. But I realized I lacked the skills to discipline a strong-willed child. Parenting often teaches us crucial lessons, and one of the first is that no one is ever fully prepared to raise a child.
We discovered that every child is unique and their needs differ. Just like life is a journey, so is parenting. The techniques I learned in school could only take me so far. I needed to get to know the unique individual my daughter was, to understand what would help her succeed because our current methods were failing.
We found ourselves in a cycle: she would resist, so we pushed harder, which only made her resist more. Traditional disciplinary techniques—punishments and stern disapproval—didn’t help her learn; they increased negative behaviors instead. While these strategies might work for some, they don’t address the root problems or teach necessary skills, leaving strong-willed children feeling frustrated and disconnected.
So, how do you discipline a strong-willed child in a way that teaches essential life skills like cooperation, communication, and respect while maintaining that important parent-child bond? Being open to new perspectives is half the battle. The other half is understanding the underlying needs of your strong-willed child and addressing them, rather than just responding to surface behaviors.
Instead of swinging between being overly strict and too lenient, find a middle ground. Effective discipline for strong-willed children involves being a strong and respectful leader, not a dictator or pushover. Here are 10 positive discipline strategies to help find that balance.
Parenting with the aim of raising a well-rounded human is harder than simply getting kids to do what we want right now. While we want to improve our child’s behavior, we must also consider the best long-term approach.
When it’s challenging to change your discipline style, remember that your goal is to raise a future adult who makes good decisions for the right reasons and has the confidence and strength that contribute to their emotional well-being.
One key to helping a strong-willed child is working alongside them rather than against them. When they sense a shift in your energy, you’ll see remarkable improvements in cooperation and listening. A child with a strong sense of integrity will participate willingly when they feel valued.
Using a positive, teamwork-oriented tone is much more productive than harshness when discipling a strong-willed child. Children crave connections with their caregivers; a strong bond encourages them to do well. Without connection, discipline becomes ineffective.
Remember, emotions run high with strong-willed kids, and as caregivers, we have a choice: react impulsively or respond calmly and thoughtfully. When faced with defiance, pause, breathe, and approach the situation logically.
Instead of focusing on the defiance, try to understand the underlying needs. Your child, deeply involved in an activity, desires to be a good listener and may struggle with transitions. Help bridge the gap by validating their feelings and addressing the real issues.
Empathy is crucial in disciplining a strong-willed child. Validate their feelings to open up communication and encourage simple problem-solving. The most important lessons often come from calm discussions rather than in the heat of the moment.
Teach your child boundaries gently and ensure they understand why certain expectations are important. When they know the reason behind rules, they are less likely to resist.
In the heat of the moment, use teamwork, creativity, and clear communication. It might be as simple as asking, “What’s your plan for finishing up?” or offering guidance on the next steps.
Understanding that your child learns through experiences helps discipline them effectively without resorting to harsh punishments. Natural consequences allow them to learn and grow without jeopardizing your relationship.
Avoid power struggles by maintaining control and not giving in to the urge to assert dominance. A strong-willed child needs to feel secure in your leadership, knowing that you won’t be overwhelmed by their emotions.
Encourage respectful communication by offering alternatives and quick “do-overs.” When harnessed, a child’s strong opinions can lead to excellent communication skills.
Parenting a strong-willed child can be your greatest challenge or your greatest avenue for personal growth. It’s an opportunity to learn and evolve, ensuring you guide them effectively through childhood toward their best self.
*Note: This post was originally published on November 14, 2018, and has been updated.*
**About Angela Pruess, LMFT**
Welcome! I’m Angela, a Licensed Children’s Mental Health Professional, Positive Parenting Coach, and mother to spirited children who help me grow every day. I believe every child deserves the opportunity to live their best life, with emotional health being the key to lifelong success and happiness. Learn more about me and the Parents with Confidence manifesto.
